Intergenerational Trauma: Being the First in Your Family to Heal-When Your Healing Challenges Others
When I started going to therapy years ago for my wellbeing and self-discovery I started sharing it with my family members. I remember a particular conversation during which my sharing about going to therapy turned into a conversation about all the reasons why they didn’t need therapy, they had other ways of healing, and they were actually better able to heal and grow without therapy. I found this strange because my family in not anti-therapy (now many of my family members are in therapy and loving it) and they even supported the idea of therapy when someone is struggling and needs it. More importantly, I was just sharing about how I was in therapy not telling them that they needed to go to therapy. How did this become a conversation about them?
What I didn’t understand is that I was challenging a family norm by going to therapy just to enhance my wellbeing, even though there wasn’t anything going super wrong in my life.
Some of the trauma that you are healing from may not have even begun with you but with the challenges, oppression, and wounds experienced by those in generations before you. This is part 2 of a series on how to navigate being the first in your family or your close circle of loved ones to start intentionally healing.
Together, we are exploring some of the common challenges that come with being the first person in your family or your close group to heal intentionally and ways to cope with those challenges and this post dives into what to do when your healing challenges others.
Your healing will challenge people even when you are not intending too.
Now let me be clear, it is rare for a family member or loved one to have the insight to know and to say “Your healing is challenging me, I am uncomfortable, and I don’t like it.” Instead these are these things you are more likely to experience.
Negative, discouraging, or fearful talk about steps you are taking to heal.
You tell your sister, mom, or cousin “I decided to look for a new job, I realized that my current one is really stressful and hard on my nervous system.” Instead of encouragement and praise for the brave step you are taking they respond with “That job pays well and all jobs are hard. Why are you even thinking about leaving?” “The job market is not good right now. You’ve got it pretty good there. You should stay.” “If it was me, I wouldn’t be taking that risk.”
You are taking steps to care for yourself, grow, and heal and instead of affirming you, loved ones talk about worst case scenarios, how they “wouldn’t do that if they were you",” bring up risks, and almost seem to discourage you.
Minimizing the steps you are taking to heal.
You finally try something new, going to a yoga class, joining a hiking group, going to therapy for the first time, even though it was scary for you. You share it with a loved one and get a response like a casual “Cool.” Or you get a “That’s good but what else are you doing to get your life together?” Or you get a “That’s not even all that.” Whatever the response is, it leaves you feeling like the thing you were really excited about is actually small, insignificant, and unimportant.
Defensiveness that you just don’t understand.
You are sharing about a breakthrough or insight you had with a loved one and how therapy or your meditation group helped. You get a response along the lines of “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all afford to do that.” “That just couldn’t be for me.” “Why are you always brining up healing or therapy or self-care?” with a touch too much hostility. It is like you told your loved one that they need to be doing these things instead of mentioning that you are doing these things.
Instead of being intentional unkindness and harshness, these are often signs that people around you are feeling challenged by the ways you are healing.
When people who grew up in the same household, family, environment, and community as you see you healing, without evening meaning too, it can hold up a mirror to their own live.
When we see someone who has experiences similar challenges, barriers, and wounds building themselves up, growing, and changing it can activate an inner voice or sense somewhere inside that says “Why am I not doing that? Should I be doing that? Could I be doing that?”
This can lead to encouragement and inspiration or a sense of challenge and defensiveness. If your family members and loved ones believe that they are capable or doing something similar then they might be inspired and encouraged by steps you take towards healing. But if they believe they do not have the ability, time, resources, or even don’t deserve that type of healing they see in you then it can lead to deep feelings of shame, inadequacy, and sadness that ultimately show up as defensiveness.
How you can cope with this…
Recognize this response for what it really is, your loved one possibly feeling challenged by your healing. If your relationship with them is strong enough you can ask if this is what is going on or provide reassurance. You can ask “Hey, when I bring up these things that I am doing, what are you hearing me say?” "or say “ I like sharing with you about the things I am doing to heal and when I hear you say that I’m believing that I am upsetting you by talking about this or that I’m doing something that makes you feel like I am judging or accusing you.”
Think about who you are sharing with and what you are expecting from this sharing. Maybe, on same level, you are wanting to see your family take similar steps and they are picking up on that. If you are sharing with the intention or encouraging your family to heal make that clear and accept that your family may pushback on your ideas. If you are sharing because you want connection and encouragement then really assess who in your life is capable or providing you with that encouragement, which friend and family members are on board and capable of cheerleading for you?
Become your own encourager. Learning how to affirm yourself is an important part of your healing journey. Note your progress in your journal. Celebrate times when you respond differently, try something new, care for yourself or others in ways that are healthier.
