Approach Your Life Like Your Favorite Toilet Paper: Soft and Strong

I am a sucker for a good pun. So when I was in a session with a client and we were talking about their desire to be able to be strong while still having a soft side and we landed on this toilet paper imagery I was delighted.

We are surrounded by binaries and black-and-white thinking that often has us thinking that we cannot be two things at once. For the clients I work with, people who are motivated by achieving, nurturing, and doing a common binary I hear is this:

The care giver cannot also be seen as deeply needing care and nurturing.

The doer and achiever cannot also be someone who needs tons of rest, downtime, and unstructured time.

The generous person cannot focus on themselves, reclaim their energy, and set boundaries.

The strong doer and nurturer cannot be soft, have the sort of needs that take up space, and meet those needs freely without guilt or shame.

If you identify with any of this it is probably because taking these actions would mean stepping out of your role, your way of being, the way people know and understand you, and the way you know and understand yourself. You’ve probably even lost touch with what softness feels like to your nervous system or in your body.

Let’s try something together, a practice…

Think of a time when you were working really hard on something for someone else, you were getting things done, taking care of business, and knocking out tasks. Really let yourself connect with those experiences. Do a quick scan of your body, letting your attention scan from your head down to your toes, as you think about this. What does this sort of strong, performing, and doing energy feel like in your body? How often do you feel this way? How often is your body operating from this state or something like it?

Now, think of a time when you allowed yourself to be soft. You gave yourself the rest you needed, treated yourself gently, moved slowly, took up space, and really engaged in leisure. Really allow yourself to connect with those experiences and repeat. Do a quick scan of your body, letting your attention scan from your head down to your toes, as you think about this. What does this sort of strong, performing, and doing energy feel like in your body? How often do you feel this way? How often is your body operating from this state or something like it?

Which of those sensations, feelings in your body, is more familiar?

As much as our minds get used to operating in certain ways, showing up in a certain manner, or approach our goals with a certain energy our bodies get used to it to. If we wake up each morning and brace ourselves to do a be strong, tense our muscles up without even recognizing it, take a deep sigh before going into tasks our bodies become accustomed to approaching things from a place of strength. Even when we set an intention to try to be soft, we have to bring out body along for the journey.

Start with incorporating soft moments into your day or week (a nap, an extended time of washing your face with a face wash that feels amazing, eating your lunch outside, stretching to soft music) and allow yourself to be present for them. Notice how your body and nervous system respond to these moments. If there is some tension, that is okay, you may need time to get used to this.

Then take time to think about these soft moments frequently. Dwell on them, reflect on them, and notice what pleasant (or neutral) sensations come up in the body when you do. Allow your whole nervous system to get comfortable with softness.

Then you may find yourself smoothly transitioning into your toilet paper era.