Intergenerational Trauma: Being the First in Your Family to Heal-Embracing Different Relationships
This is a conversation that I am constantly having with clients in therapy.
Client: Last Saturday I went to a cookout with my family and there is this one aunt that I never really talked to much or connected with and I found that I really wanted to talk to her this time. We had such a good talk and I never realized what an amazing person she is! Now I’m going to be checking for her at every family gathering.
Me: That’s great! I’m curious, what kept you from connecting with this aunt before?
Client: She was kind of considered irresponsible in our family and more than a little selfish. She comes and goes when she wants to, she doesn’t really share her business with everyone, she does her own thing and everyone loves her but they kind of judge her for it and I guess I was judging her too.
Me: So what’s changed now?
Client: I guess that is kind of the way I am trying to be now too. When we talked about my values I decided I wanted to live with more freedom and abundance and now I see her as living in alignment with freedom.
Substitute aunt for sibling, friend you didn’t used to be as close to, colleague at work, grandparent, person in your yoga class or faith community. As you grow and heal you may find yourself drawn to different sorts of relationships or deeper connections with people you were not as connected with before.
This is part 3 of a series on how to navigate being the first in your family or your close circle of loved ones to reach a level of healing.
Together, we are exploring some of the common challenges that come with being the first person in your family or your close group to heal intentionally and ways to cope with those challenges and this post dives into what to do when your relationship preferences shift.
You may find you are drawn to different types of relationships.
You used to want to judge that family member with good boundaries and the “alternative” lifestyle and now you only want to talk to them at family dinners.
You used to be closest to your friends who went out all the time and were about parties and now you are drawn to the quiet friend who you can just chat with over coffee and have real conversations.
Or you use to only identify with the folks in your circle who were responsible and buttoned down and now you find you love being around your spontaneous sibling who lives in the moment.
You used to want to be around the colleagues who were all about trying to just get by and get through at work (hello vent sessions) and now you want to be around that co-worker who all about making their work life align with their wellbeing and taking action to make that happen.
These shifts can feel scary at first if you don’t know what is happening. It can seem like you’re abandoning people who matter to you and aligning with people who aren’t really your people.
That is not actually the case. In reality we tend to be drawn to relationships that reinforce our patterns and ways of being, for better or for worse. If we have a pattern of being more passive in relationships we are draw to people who will actively engage us and make efforts to stay connected to us. If we have a pattern of complaining about things without taking action we will be drawn to folks who want to hear our complaints and even add complaints of their own. If we have a pattern of doing for others constantly and fill uneasy with stillness or people doing for us, we will embrace relationships with people who need us consistently and are happy to have us do for them.
So, when you begin to change your patterns, the people that will strengthen these new patterns may be different than the people we currently surround ourselves with, even within our own family. Now, let me be clear, I am by no means saying you should ditch your family or circle of friends (that is a different conversation). What I am say is allow yourself to be flexible with who in your family or close circle you spend the most time around, talk with most, or share with most.
I use the metaphor of the ocean to describe this to clients. Let your relationships be like the tides, having ebbs and flows, low tides and high tides. The ocean doesn’t completely disappear at low tide and wash away the whole beach at high tide. It has it’s defined space where it increases connection with the coast and decreases connection with the coast. Here’s how to do that with your relationships as you heal:
Get a clear understanding of the type of relationships you want to have with family members, friends, and loved ones. It is okay to prioritize remaining in connection with folks even if you know that during this season you will not be able to be super close to them or as close as you once were. If there are family members you cherish and yet you know that they have the potential to draw you into old patterns, get clear on that, and determine how you can stay connected with them, still allowing them to be them, while protecting your healing process.
Revisit your assumptions about friends and family members. We often jump to an assumption that we need to start over and find new community and friends and build a new family in order to heal. That could be the case but there may be people in your circle of family and friends who actually can engage in mutually supportive relationships that you have written off because you just haven’t notice them, labeled them as either boring or eccentric or irresponsible, or just have not gotten to know them. Think about whether or not there is anyone in your circle who you are not as close to but they seem to be living in a way that is aligned with peace, abundance, joy, love, or other values you are wanting to embody.
Approach this shifts with nonjudgmental curiosity. The relationships you are drawn to may mean something significant and they may not. You might just be drawn to new relationships because you have been disconnected from people for a while or it might be part of your healing process. It might be that you have a good impression of the person or admiration for them that is justified or it might be that you’re projecting perfection onto them because you’re wanting to feel less alone in your journey. The only way to know is to experiment and see what it is like to connect and maybe build new relationships or strengthen existing ones. Get curious enough to talk to that aunt, that sibling, that cousin, that friend/ acquaintance, and see what it is like to get to know them more.
Do you best to swap any expectations for this intention: “I am learning more about this person, who they are, and who I am in the process as well.”
Stay open and understand that this is part of your healing journey.
