PACT- What is the Psychobiological Approach to Couples? The Primal Mind and the Ambassador Mind
I started doing couples therapy in 2017 and I enjoyed it. I got trained in the usual methods and on the usual topics. How to educate clients about conflict, understanding each other, building communication skills, sex and intimacy, and more. My work involved a lot of psychoeducation, role plays, worksheets, and communication exercises. Then in 2020 I had a HUGE shift in the way I did therapy when I discovered somatic therapy and dove in with both feet. I so believed in and saw the power of somatic therapy that my usual ways of doing couples therapy started to feel like they were falling flat. Then earlier this year I discovered PACT, took the training, and started to explore this transformative way of working with couples.
What is PACT?
PACT stands for the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy. PACT is based on how the human nervous system works. Our minds can be broken down into 2 parts when it comes to how we interact in relationships.
Primitive/ Primal Parts: the main role of these parts is to protect us, keep us safe, and conserve our energy. These parts of the mind are self-interested and driven to make sure that we get what we need. These parts of our mind love automation and patterns, seeing most. That means that these parts of the brain are less likely to see our partners or the people around us for who they are in the moment and what they are doing in the moment and more likely to see them through the lens of their past actions or our past relational experiences.
Ambassador Parts: the roles of these parts is to help us to reach out, communicate, and connect. These parts of the brain are great at processing complex information, solving problems, and taking on different perspectives. Ambassador parts help us to build bonds with other people and demonstrate care and concern. These parts of the mind use a lot of energy and move more slowly than the primal parts of the mind. They are the parts that allow us to think about what is good for both us and others and even allow us to act selflessly in different situations.
Since the primal mind is quick and energy efficient it is easy for that mind to take over in our relationship but ultimately if we want to build relationships that are lasting, thriving, and nurturing we have to operate from the ambassador parts of the mind.
Many of the short-term and long-term conflicts and challenges that we experience in relationships boil down to one or both people operating from their primal mind rather than their ambassador mind. The more you operate in particular ways the more adapted and accustomed your mind becomes to operating in those ways and over time it can get harder and harder to shift.
Sounds good (in theory) but how do I engage my Ambassador mind?
There are a few ways that PACT helps clients to engage the ambassador mind
Co-regulation: PACT focuses on supporting couples in learning how to help each other to soothe, relax, and calm together during difficult discussions or stressful situations. Couples learn to understand each other and what words, actions, gestures, or practices help the other person to regulate so that they can stay engaged with each other while creating enough calm to move forward. Through co-regulation each member of the couple can learn to be a safe space for the other.
Focusing on what is right instead of what is desired: In PACT we support couples in finding their shared values, vision, and creating agreements on how they will treat each other, show up for each other, and what they will do for each other. In order to make it through moments when we do not want to co-regulate, communicate, and act in the interest of our couplehood, agreements and a commitment to doing what is right see us through.
Learning what works: PACT focuses on secure-functioning which means learning what actually works in your relationship. Most of the ways that we act up or act our in relationships are due to us trying to get a needs met but doing it in a way that it is ineffective or doesn’t work for both you and your partner. PACT is radically practical meaning that we are constantly supporting couples in discovering what works best during session and supporting clients in practicing that until it becomes habit.
