What Millennial Women are Afraid of in Therapy
Do you have any fear or apprehensions about therapy that you want me to know about?
This is a question I typically ask at some point during my first session with clients.
I work with a lot of Millennial and Gen-Z women in therapy, especially BIPOC millennial and Gen-Z women, and there are certain things over the year that I hear over and over again.
Having essential strengths and protective barriers taken away from them.
One of the challenges of walking through the world as a woman is that the world often does not create space for our softness and gentleness. This is especially true for BIPOC women and millennial women. We were raised with a culture of empowerment that tells us that as women we should be able to do it all and then some and if we have trouble doing it all we are not living up to our empowered potential. We lives with the reality that we are put in situations and treated in ways that require us to be strong and have our defenses available and ready. Embracing softness, gentleness, and rest for women of color is a brave and intentional act and we cannot take it for granted that women of color have the privilege of living a life without strength and defenses.
When I am working with clients who are women of color on practices like self-compassion, mindfulness, or prioritizing their needs of their rest
Having their culture pathologized.
Our cultures have nuances that can be really hard to understand from the outside unless we are working with a therapist that has deep curiosity and cultural humility. You want to be able to share the lyrics of a song that has gotten you through hard times even though it may have some swears and a problematic line or two without being questioned on it. You want to be able to share how karaoke late into the night with a beverage of two (whether that’s a cocktail or sparkling water) and a room full of friends is a spiritual experience for you without being educated on sleep hygiene or directed to “healthier” ways of coping. You want to be able to talk about how isolating it is to feel like you are the only woman of color at work and you are thinking about leaving your company if that continues to be the case without your therapist being directing you to ways of being okay with being different.
Basically, you want to be affirmed in your culture’s way of understanding the world, coping with challenges, and all the strengths your cultures bring even the ones that it takes a little bit of time to really understand.
Having their family dynamics misunderstood.
Therapy is not immune from the way that Western culture thinks of family and definition of what it means to have healthy boundaries and connections with family members. Many of us come from cultures where a healthy and connected family looks different. We often approach family from a perspective of deep care, connectedness, and collectivism and don’t live by the standard that a healthy family is one where people become increasingly independent as they get older.
We may live in intergenerational households where it is wonderful and important for us to live with parents and grandparents until we have a compelling reason to leave. You may want a therapist who understands that and helps you to communicate and navigate the challenges that come with that instead of pushing you to move out. Many of us come from households that are collective where we want to rely on family members and have them rely on us, it works for us, and we prize collective care. You may want a therapist who understands that and helps you find good interdependence instead of describing it as unhealthy dependence.
Being shamed for their tone, their anger, or their way of showing up.
What I love about working with millennial and Gen-z women is the level of openness that can be found in our generations. I have clients who are into everything from astrology to herbology, trap music to bachata to binaural sounds, foraging to festivals. Therapy is often a place where we are concerned that we are not allowed to show up as our real, full selves.
Can I talk about how listening to SZA or Kendrick Lamar is a healing experience for me?
Can I swear or cuss? Can I mention smoking weed without it becoming a big deal conversation in therapy?
Can I talk about how angry I am about the fact that everyone in leadership at my company is White?
Can I talk about the time two of my cousins got in a fist fight without getting that look of shock and horror (because honestly that is just how they act sometimes)?
We want therapy to be a space where we can show up as our full selves and we are afraid it might not be. Finding a therapist that understands who you are and encourages you to embrace all aspects of yourself and what brings you wellbeing is so important and can be so challenging.
If you are working with these fears coming into therapy, know that you are not alone. Even as a therapist, I’ve had these fears before when seeking my own therapy or going into therapeutic spaces where I am not sure what I will find. Take your time. Pay attention to what helps you experience trust and security. It is worth the time to find those healing spaces where you can show up as fully you.
