What is the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT)? The Couple Bubble
A healthy, secure-functioning relationship provides a safe harbor for each person, a separate world of security and comfort and nurturing where each partner is seen and cared for. This harbor or separate world gives each member of the couple the boost of regulation and nurturing that they need to take on challenges, problem-solve, and face the issues that any day may give. This harbor or separate world is called the “couple bubble” in PACT.
The foundation of the couple bubble is built on the couple's mutual agreements, shared vision for their relationship, and how they navigate life together. This bubble evolves over time, but in healthy relationships, its development starts early. Even in new relationships, partners begin creating their bubble by quickly resolving hurt feelings and taking each other's distress seriously.
As partners move from dating to a committed relationship, roles and expectations change. In secure relationships, partners shift from "I" thinking to "we" thinking, and decision-making becomes more collaborative as partners become more important in each other's lives. Friends and family begin to treat them as a unit, expecting them to make plans and decisions together, and agreements become more solidified as shared expectations develop.
Over time, a couple's friends and family observe the evolution of their couple bubble. Through their regard for each other and their relationship, partners define the bubble's perimeter, permeability, boundaries, and resilience. In a secure relationship, partners prioritize each other and stand up for each other. How they communicate to and about each other teaches their families how to treat their relationship.
The Couple Bubble in Real Life
Chase and Naomi have been married for 2 years and they come from two very different backgrounds. Chase grew up in a household where conflicts quickly escalated into screaming matches, his mom and dad rarely resolved conflicts, they just bubble over and were followed by days of silence and not talking to one another. Chase was often caught in the middle of these conflicts and if his parents did make up he never got to see it. Naomi grew up in a home with an overbearing father whose desires and needs dominated the household. Everything revolved around him. When he got home, Naomi and her mom literally tip-toed around the house so he wouldn’t be bothered while he watched his shows and made sure he had everything he needed from food to beverages. Naomi resented the fact that her mother never advocated for herself or Naomi and she vowed never to be like that.
Although Naomi chose a very kind and gentle partner in Chase she is very sensitive to any times when her needs are being ignored or she feels she may be taken advantage of and although Chase chose a spouse who is a wonderful and kind communicator he shrinks as soon as Naomi raises her voices or uses an unfriendly tone of voice. When Chase does withdraw or shrink Naomi feels like she is being ignored or having her needs neglected again and their couple bubble is popped!
Part of the couple bubble is each partner recognizing that they are in each other’s care and that means helping to heal or address wounds that they did not create.
Chase and Naomi didn’t create each other’s wounds but now that they are a couple they must be sensitive to and know how to work gently and kindly with the wounds each of them has. So here is what the couple bubble looks like for Naomi and Chase.
Naomi: Chase, you said that you were going to put that desk together for me last week and it still isn’t done!
Long pause
Chase: (Averts eyes, looks downward, speaks softly) I know. I’m sorry.
Naomi: (Recognizes that Chase is withdrawing and reaches out to hold Chase’s hand) I am frustrated right now but I am committed to not having this turn into a big fight. We can work together on this.
Chase: I know how frustrating it is for you to feel like I have forgotten something that you need so I am literally going to do it right now.
Naomi: (Laughing) It is 9 pm! That is so late to start on a project.
Chase: (Laughing) I know but I can work on it for half and hour so you know that I am on it and then I will finish it tomorrow. You are a priority for me and I’m committed to meeting your needs just like you are committed to meeting mine.
Chase could have easily told Naomi that she is overreacting and it is just a desk. Naomi had every right to use an angry tone of voice when talking to Chase. But that would not have gotten either of them what they really wanted and would have shattered the safety of the couple bubble. Instead they each focused on using their knowledge of each other to co-regulate, support, and focus on safety.
